relationships

Schalk
, ,
0

The Art of Constructive Criticism

Life is complicated. Humans are complicated. As a result, it’s not uncommon for us to head down the wrong track, often for irrationally long periods of time. 

In these situations, constructive criticism can be one of the best gifts we can give each other. 

But doing this right is tricky, real tricky. Here’s a brief outline of what has worked for me in the past. 

Make sure your critique is warranted

Before even considering criticizing, make very sure your viewpoint is correct and that your critique can really help the other person.

We are very easily blinded by our own egos or prejudices. So, before you dive in, do you best to think through it from the other person’s point of view. 

Giving constructive criticism

Before starting, make sure the timing is right.

If someone is already in a highly defensive state, chances are that your constructive feedback will not be well received. Rather wait until a point where they are more open. 

When that time comes, be sure to adhere to the first rule of constructive criticism: never launch any personal attacks.

Keep the focus squarely on the thing that needs fixing and stay away from the other person’s character. Showing some vulnerability through a topical personal anecdote can help a lot here. 

Second, be sure to clearly communicate your intent to help. 

Tell the other person how you think their life can improve if they make the change you’re suggesting. 

Third, know when to stop. 

There’s no need to repeat your point ten times. And if you sense the other person is getting defensive, just leave the idea to simmer. In my experience, such feedback often takes some time to sink in.

Receiving constructive criticism

Constructive critique is key to your success in today’s world. If you’re never criticized, I’m afraid you’re unlikely to ever get anything special done. 

For this reason, it’s crucial to open yourself up to critique. Ask people for honest feedback and be fully open to what they tell you.  

It could sting in the moment, but if it puts you on a clearly better path, that sting will quickly fade away. 

Schalk
, ,
0

7 Great Ways to Empty a Bucket

The world can certainly do with plenty more bucket filling. But it can also do with a lot less bucket dipping. 

Today’s post lists several all-too-common ways in which we routinely dip from each other’s emotional buckets. 

Sulking

This is the most common form of passive-aggressive behavior and a very effective way to dip from other people’s buckets. 

Don’t do it. It’s never the best solution. 

Honestly tell the other person how you feel or, if you’re not sure how you feel yourself, take some time alone to meditate on the subject. 

Screaming

On the other side of the spectrum, we find overly aggressive behavior. 

In between passive-aggressive and overly aggressive lies controlled assertiveness. That’s the place to be. 

Belittling

Making others feel small is a great way to empty their buckets. There are many ways in which we do this to each other:

  • Ignoring or not paying attention to the other person
  • Bluntly overruling them without explanation
  • Trivializing their accomplishments or feelings
  • Repeatedly bringing up their failures or embarrassments
  • Impatience when they struggle with something that’s easy for you

Neglect

There are also instances where we can dip from buckets through inaction. These ones can be really hard to get right, but they remain important. 

In a close relationship, neglecting someone or taking them for granted can gradually drain their bucket and ultimately ruin the relationship. 

Forgetting

Forgetting special occasions or not noticing something good about the other person is another way of dipping through inaction. 

Make sure to put birthdays and other special occasions in your calendar and be fully present in every interaction to notice important stuff. 

Gossip

Spreading negative stories behind another person’s back may not hurt them directly, but it diminishes them in the eyes of your listeners. 

Gossip therefore lets other people do the bucket dipping for you. 

Criticism

A constant barrage of biting critique is a great way to drain another person’s bucket.

If you ever find yourself criticizing with the aim of bringing the other person down, you’re on the wrong track. 

But there are times when some constructive criticism is the best thing you can do for someone else. Getting this right is tough. So tough, in fact, that we’ll dedicate tomorrow’s post just to this. 

Schalk
, , ,
0

9 Great Ways to Fill a Bucket

Yesterday’s post introduced the concept of bucket-filling: Bringing some good vibrations to every interaction. 

Today, we’ll discuss some simple ways for doing just that. 

Smile

It doesn’t have to be any more complicated that this.

A simple smile tells the other person you’re happy to see them. That message is all it takes to fill a bucket. 

Humor

Getting another person to smile or laugh is an excellent way to ensure they go away from the interaction feeling better than before. 

Always be on the lookout for funnies in your conversations. Those where you make fun of yourself are often the most effective. 

Complement

Well-deserved complements are very effective bucket fillers. Whenever someone else makes a good impression on you, let them know – the more spontaneous the better. 

Be careful not to become superficial though. If a complement is not really deserved or feels forced, it can easily have the opposite effect. 

Praise

Similar to complements, praise is a powerful bucket-filler. If someone did a praiseworthy job, be sure to give them the recognition they deserve. 

But praise can also become superficial and methodical. Instead, try to present your praise in unexpected ways with plenty of specifics about what exactly you admire.  

Give

We all like gifts. If done right, even a small gift can have a large impact. 

To boost the impact, ensure that your gift can really add value and try to maximize the element of surprise. 

Gratitude

Whenever someone does something nice for you, you can give back straight away with a bit of bucket filling. 

A simple thank you is often enough. But adding a little something like “that’s so kind of you” or “you made my day” when appropriate can take it to the next level. 

Listen

One of the best ways to fill another person’s bucket doesn’t even require you to say or do anything. Just be there 100% and listen.

If someone else is going through a tough time, this could be the single best way of supporting them.  

Interest

There are few better ways to show you care than to cultivate some interest in topics the other person cares about.

Your listening skills will clearly reveal the best topics. All you need to do is to think a little about what was said, form some balanced opinions, and bring the topic back in a future conversation.

Validation

We all crave validation that we’re on the right track in this complicated journey called life. Delivering this validation is a very powerful bucket-filling tool. 

Whenever the words “I agree” or “you’re right” become relevant, be sure to use them without hesitation. Don’t be a yes-man, but be ready to provide any justified validation. 

Practice

Like any other skill, bucket-filling requires plenty of awareness and practice.

So, be sure to keep the idea of the bucket in mind during your next interaction. The beautiful simplicity of this analogy makes this very easy to do. 

But there are also some bad habits we need to unlearn to become effective bucket fillers. We’ll get to those tomorrow.  

Schalk
, , ,
0

How Full is Your Bucket?

Today is the start of the penultimate Supermorning chapter where we tackle one of our most complex subjects: Relationships. 

The best place to start is with a simple piece of advice applicable to all human interactions: Become a dedicated bucket filler. 

Let’s see what this means.

The bucket and the dipper

This delightfully simple analogy comes from the little book by Tom Rath that this post is named after. 

It states that each of us has an invisible emotional bucket and dipper. In each interaction, we can choose to fill the other person’s bucket or to dip from it. 

If a bucket is filled, the interaction lifts the spirits of both parties. If a bucket is dipped from, one or both parties feel worse after the interaction. 

Win-win

The best thing about this idea is that filling another person’s bucket does not empty your own.

In fact, the act of bucket filling will reward you with some good feelings too. It really is one of the best habits to develop, both for yourself and for those around you. 

Become a bucket filler

Bucket-filling does not need to cost anything. Neither is there any need for some kind of grand gesture in every interaction. 

Just one little drop will suffice. Consistent small additions to all the buckets you meet along your way will greatly improve your relationships, including the one with yourself. 

Tomorrow’s post will take a closer look at what these drops look like. 

Schalk
, , ,
0

Reputation and Goodwill

Our third pair of intangible assets centers on relationships. 

Reputation is a critical element in the process of attracting future opportunities such as skilled collaborators or financial backing.

Goodwill is that special something that makes other people want to help you succeed. 

Both are excellent investments. Let’s see how we can invest. 

Building a good reputation

Obviously, a reputation of being highly skilled and capable is very valuable. Such a reputation can be built through regular investments in skills and track record as discussed on Monday. 

But there are several non-technical elements of a good reputation that are even more important. Here are my top three:

  • Integrity. People need to know that, if you say you will (or will not) do something, they can take that to the bank. 
  • Being easy and fun to work with. If the process of working with you is genuinely pleasant, people will obviously want to do it more.
  • Commitment to quality. A willingness to go above and beyond to deliver high quality results makes you a much more attractive collaborator. 

Your reputation is being built (or broken down) whenever you interact with people.

Don’t be intimidated by this fact. Rather use it to turn any challenging situation into a great investment opportunity. Indeed, good performance in tough times can really grow your reputation. 

Goodwill: Give and thou shalt receive

Do you have some people you really, truly, deeply want to do well in life? If you do, you’ll feel joy with no jealousy when they succeed and naturally want to come to their aid when they struggle. 

If you can get yourself to this evolved state with the people you spend the most time with, chances are that they will develop a similar feeling towards you. 

Obviously, I’m not advocating bootlicking here. Fake expressions of goodwill are easy to spot and often have the exact opposite effect.

You must evolve your thoughts to the point that you truly want the best for other people. 

Such genuine goodwill makes people much more open to your point of view, ideas and initiatives. And, since a lot of life is a team effort, this makes goodwill a very valuable investment.

Schalk
, , , ,
0

Health, Relationships and Stress Management

Good physical health and nourishing relationships are excellent sources of long-term mental health. On the other hand, poor health and unhealthy relationships can have the direct opposite effect. 

If you regularly experience excessive stress, take a good hard look at these elements. They might hold plenty of potential for permanent stress reduction. 

Health

Many people stress about their weight, appearance and general health. An environment that makes healthy diet and fitness automatic can help a lot in this respect. 

Also, as we discussed last week, exercise is an excellent stress management tool. But this awesome tool only becomes fully accessible if you’re already in reasonable shape. This is yet another great reason for building healthy fitness habits. 

Lastly, many people stress about how much they stress. Taking concrete actions to improve your mental health according to the ideas shared this week and last week can be highly beneficial. 

Relationships

Being on bad terms with someone you spend plenty of time with can be very stressful (especially if you really care about what that person thinks of you). 

Many times, it’s best to just swallow your pride and compromise a little more than you might want to. Not stressing about a soured relationship is often worth a lot more than winning an argument. 

But the best is to prevent serious relationship setbacks in the first place. Challenge yourself to become mindful enough to catch yourself in that moment when things start going seriously wrong. 

In that critical moment, chances are that both parties have become defensive and irrational. Further escalating the situation can only end in tears. 

Either postpone the discussion to a time when everyone has calmed down or at least get yourself back to a calm and objective state (stop – breath in deeply – breath out slowly – think – speak). If you become calmer, chances are that the other person will too. 

And if the other person keeps responding poorly, accept that, like you, they’re just a caveman stuck in the future. Practice some tolerance or, if there really is no other solution, consider permanently moving your life away from that person. 

An extra incentive

We all know that we should look after our health and occasionally check our egos at the door for the good of our relationships. The tricky thing is actually doing it. 

If you have trouble following through, your own mental health can be a great added incentive. Adding stress reduction to the long list of other reasons might just get you over that crucial tipping point 🙂

Schalk
, ,
0

Accept the Caveman in Others

Over the past six weeks, we’ve talked a lot about our inner caveman – the primitive instincts and emotions that formed over the first 99.9% of human history before industrialization changed everything. 

Understanding and accepting your caveman can free up a huge amount of mental energy that was previously wasted on self-defeating thought patterns.

But there is another category of self-defeating thought patterns that consume lots of mental resources: frustrations with other people. 

Resolving inner conflict about other people

Relationships, complicated as they are, often involve some conflict. Only a tiny fraction of conflict results in an all out brawl or screaming match. The vast majority just simmers beneath the surface, wasting time, draining energy and slowly souring relationships. 

There are basically three ways of managing such simmering conflict: confrontation, avoidance and tolerance.

As cowardly as it may sound, avoidance is often the best solution. If you’re clearly incompatible with another person, there are nearly 8 billion other options in the world. Just move on. 

If moving on is not an option, confrontation is sometimes the right way, but this is rare. You must have irrefutable evidence that the other person is clearly in the wrong before opening that can of worms. Confrontation on weak or biased grounds can end very badly. 

That just leaves us with a proud member of the Great Five: Tolerance.

Tolerance = accepting the caveman in others

It really pays to remember that other people, like us, are just cavemen stuck in the future. They all struggle with Craving, Ego, Sloth, Frustration and Worry. And they’re very rarely “out to get you”. 

In fact, most of our grievances with others originate from them just being their own unique selves struggling with their own unique cavemen.

We cannot control the cavemen in other people. Heck, we can barely control our own cavemen. The only thing we can control is how much we allow their cavemen to affect us.

And this control has a name: Tolerance. 

So, try out this way of thinking next time you experience strong negative emotions about someone else. Check out what happens. It could be interesting 🙂

Schalk
, , ,
0

Frustration and Tolerance

Three down (1, 2, 3), two to go. Today, our mission is to design our environment in such a way that unnecessary Frustration automatically gives way to healthy Tolerance. 

Let’s get going…

Frustration

A good place to start is to limit your exposure to sources of Frustration you can do nothing about. A simple example might be to simply stop watching the news. Try it. I promise the world will keep turning if you’re no longer aware of every bit of bad news flying around. 

Something more challenging, but often even more important, is to extricate yourself from frustrating relationships. Some difficult relationships are worth fighting for, but others are best ended. Trust yourself to know the difference.  

When you start making good progress in life, you’ll start experiencing the Frustration of having too many interesting ideas and too little time. In this case, it’s crucial to write your ideas down in a structured manner. This helps you mind relax, knowing that you’ll eventually get to this idea.  

Tolerance

Inviting Tolerance into your life is not so much about making physical changes. Rather, it’s about a clear and conscious mental shift. 

Start by recalling that the whole idea behind Tolerance is to stop wasting your mental resources on Frustration you can do nothing about. 

Tolerance does not mean you should become a doormat. If your Frustration points out a problem you can address with positive action, run with it. But for everything else, there’s Tolerance. 

This understanding is key to making healthy Tolerance part of your identity. Whenever you are faced with a complex and frustrating problem, decide beforehand which parts you can act on and which parts you need to tolerate. 

There are only two good options to any frustrating situation: positive action or Tolerance. From this day forth, pent-up Frustration is off limits 🙂 

Our world would surely be a happier and more productive place if we stopped wasting our precious mental energy on Frustrations beyond our control. Tolerance can help us all to redeploy our mental resources to more valuable ends. 

See you tomorrow for our final pairing: Worry and Excitement. 

Schalk
, , , ,
0

Ideal Version of You, Part 3: People

Today, we’ll define the third part of your personal constitution: how the ideal version of yourself will treat other people. 

We can probably all agree that relationships are complicated. They can bring great happiness, productivity and inspiration. But they can also go in the opposite direction, often for unknown reasons.  

In most cases, the fate of a relationship is determined by the accumulation of hundreds of little interpersonal interactions. 

If we can ensure that the vast majority of these little interactions make both parties feel just a little bit better, a good relationship becomes highly likely. 

It’s no use expecting others to do this for us. The only person in the relationship we can control is ourselves.

So, let’s take this control now. 

Special Wednesday 5-minute action Draft your own interpersonal interaction constitution

 

A good constitution segment is no longer than 2-3 sentences. It should be simple, clear and memorable. 

Here are some helpful guidelines for drafting a good interpersonal interaction constitution: 

  • Prioritize quality over quantity
  • Emphasize the importance of doing the small things right
  • Use the bucket philosophy

The last point comes from a great little book by Tom Rath (highly recommended). Basically, your emotional bucket is continuously filled by positive interactions or emptied by negative interactions.

A full bucket makes you feel awesome. And developing yourself to the point where you can regularly make other people feel awesome is a surefire recipe for success.  

From this mindset, my version looks like this:

I will maximize the quality of my human interactions, while controlling the quantity. Every interaction will fill the other person’s bucket, even if it’s just one little drop.  

Every little interaction counts. Therefore, the use of a personal constitution to shape yourself into an automatic bucket-filler is a very smart move. It certainly was an eye-opening experience for me. 

Please give this a go! The people in your life will be very grateful 🙂

See you tomorrow for part 4 of your personal constitution!

PS: If you haven’t checked out the first two parts, they are available here: health and creativity. 

Schalk
, , , , ,
2

Recap: Accountability Buddy

Awakening your own superpower of consistency demands that you master your mornings.

Early morning is the only period of the day when you have full control over your time. And this control can be leveraged to proactively steer your life in the right direction. 

Those who don’t take proactive control are simply blown where the winds of life take them. As they inevitably crash into life’s many obstacles, a primitive “fight or flight” mode kicks in, sapping tons of energy for little or no reward. 

Breaking free of this mold requires a strong catalyst to push you to take action and claim your mornings. An accountability buddy could be that catalyst (it was for me). 

The checklist

So, here’s a simple guide to finding and maintaining a good accountability buddy:

  1. Select someone who can fulfill this role. If someone doesn’t come to mind right away, maybe some options listed in Monday’s post can help. 
  2. Ask this person to try this experiment with you. If they hesitate, suggest a week-long trial period to give an easy out if it’s not working. 
  3. During the conversations, focus on the following:
    • Keep it short. Be conscious of your accountability buddy’s time and end the conversation while both parties are still enjoying it. 
    • Keep it positive. See it as your mission to give your accountability buddy a more positive outlook on life. 
    • Show genuine interest. Keep track of important developments in your accountability buddy’s life. Ask for their opinion on important subjects and think carefully about the insights they share. 

Alternatively, you could simply leave a short comment on this blog every morning. I’m very interested to hear more about any practical challenges you face with these suggestions. You could also just say “hi” 🙂

In time, I hope that we can get several people commenting each morning. This could turn into a nice little community of accountability buddies making sure that everyone’s up bright and early!

I really hope you give this a go! In my experience, it sure is worth it 🙂

See you tomorrow!

1 2 3 4