1.7 – Relationships

Humans are social creatures. We need various types of relationships to remain happy and productive. This chapter of Supermorning discusses several ways to ensure that your relationships are wins for everyone involved.

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Recap: Personal Relationships

People have been trying to discover the secrets to great personal relationships forever. You can find thousands of books on the topic and millions of articles online. 

But maybe it doesn’t need to be so complicated…

The checklist

When people say relationships are complicated, they’re often recounting their experiences with maintaining troublesome relationships, possibly several of them at once. 

But a small number of healthy and respectful relationships can be delightfully simple. Getting yours to this point must be one of the smartest moves in life 🙂

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Building Nourishing Personal Relationships

So far this week, we’ve established that:

  1. Nourishing personal relationships are crucial for health and happiness,
  2. Quality is much more important than quantity,
  3. Quality relationships are characterized by good feelings, natural empathy, and complete trust. 

Today’s post will complete this little story with some ideas for building and maintaining nourishing relationships. 

Fill buckets (even if you don’t feel like it)

Smile, add humor, compliment, praise, give, express gratitude, listen, and validate.

These simple little tools are guaranteed to bring the best life-enhancing biochemical responses out of the relationship, both for you and the other person. 

And they’re especially important if you don’t feel like it. Remember that filling another bucket fills your own as well. If that other bucket is very dear to you, so much the better. 

Don’t empty buckets (even if they deserve it)

Do not sulk, scream, belittle, neglect, forget, gossip, or destructively criticize.

Sometimes the other person will tick you off, and you’ll feel like they deserve a good bucket dipping. 

Don’t.

Face up and calmly tell them what they did wrong and how it made you feel. Often, you’ll find they didn’t even realize they’re doing something wrong and would happily fix it. 

In the rare event that they were hurting you on purpose, it’s time for a sensible grown-up conversation. The longer you wait, the tougher it’s going to get.

Catch yourself when getting defensive

Any relationship will have times when you don’t see eye-to-eye. To ensure that these times are rare and undramatic, make sure to avoid arguments where one or both parties get defensive. 

Resolving any argument will require that one or, preferably, both parties make a change. A defensive attitude makes it all but impossible to accept such a responsibility to change. 

If you sense strong defensiveness, shift your objective from finding a solution to restoring both attitudes to a point where a solution is actually possible. Postpone the conversation if needed.

Value each other’s time

Relationships take time. There’s no argument that they are an essential priority, but there are many other priorities in life (including other relationships).

In my experience, building good relationships is a lot like building good habits: The number and quality of repetitions matter much more than the duration. 

Try to regularly spend relatively short periods together. And in these periods, be 100% there and 100% engaged. 

Try to avoid talking for hours on end, even if it still feels good. Politely ending the conversation when both parties are still enjoying it ensures that the next one will be even better. 

Be proactive

People often say that relationships are complicated. But perhaps it’s more accurate to say that relationships are complicated when things start going wrong. 

If both parties are in a good place, dedicated to bucket filling, determined to avoid defensiveness, and respectful of each other’s time, relationships become surprisingly simple. 

Proactively getting your closest relationships to this point can add many years to your life and much life to your years. 

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How to Recognize a Good Personal Relationship

Nourishing personal relationships are vital for long term health and happiness. But bad relationships have the opposite effect, and average relationships crowd out the rest of life (yesterday’s post). 

Like so many other areas in life, a great guideline to follow in close personal relationships is quality over quantity. 

Today’s post asks a simple question: How can we recognize a quality relationship when we see one? 

Good vibrations

The first clear indicator of the quality of a relationship is the way it makes you feel when you think about the other person. 

Go ahead, think through the important people in your life. Those that bring a little smile to your face are probably those that are good for you. 

In more questionable territory are those that evoke a bland or negative response. You can certainly work on these relationships, but first, see if they do better in the next two criteria.

Coupled emotions

The next indicator is how much you feel for the other person. Does their happiness bring you joy? Do you become uneasy when they’re down, wanting to help in any way you can?

Think through the people in your life once more. Do those that made you feel good also do well in this test?

How about those that did not do so well? Maybe they just made you feel uneasy before because they’re currently going through a tough time and evoke some deep empathy within you. 

Trust

Finally, there’s your feeling of how safely you can rely on the other person. Do you trust that they will be there in times of need? Do you feel comfortable sharing personal stuff with them?

Take one last round through the people in your life. How do they fare in this category?

Based on our understanding of the effect that relationships have on health, the stress reduction potential of a few relationships rooted in deep trust can add many years to your life.

Where do you stand?

If you have a couple of relationships that do well in all three of these categories, you’re probably in a good spot. Cherish them. 

Someone who made you feel uneasy in the first test but did well in the other two tests may well also be good for you. Helping them through their troubles should be a nourishing experience.

However, if that person seems to constantly be in crisis, keeping you in a constant state of distress, you may need to make some tough choices… 

And what if you feel you don’t have enough good relationships in your life? Try asking yourself how you need to change to do well in these simple tests if they were applied to you. 

As an additional help, tomorrow’s post will share a few proven ways to sustain nourishing personal relationships. 

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How Many Personal Relationships Do We Need?

Yesterday’s post established the great benefits of personal relationships, even in today’s world, where they have little direct practical value. 

The natural follow-up question then becomes: How many relationships do we need to be happy and healthy?

After all, personal relationships take plenty of time, energy, and compromise. Trying to maintain too many doesn’t work either. 

How can we find the right balance?

Follow your heart

As corny as it sounds, the best advice seems to be to listen to your feelings. 

First, accept that there are serious health risks involved in persistent relationship-related stress, either from loneliness or from unhealthy relationships. 

Then, simply listen to what your body is trying to tell you, and invest the time and effort required to avoid chronic exposure to these damaging stress hormones. 

Another food analogy

It’s not been so long since I compared information with food. Well, now it’s time to foodify relationships. 

Relationships are essential to our long-term wellbeing, just like food. Sure, the amount each person needs to be healthy varies over a much broader range, but we all need it. 

Thus, relationship starvation (loneliness) is very dangerous and should be avoided (some helpful tips). 

But not all relationships are good. Just like we binge on empty calories for all sorts of strange reasons, we also stay in damaging relationships for all sorts of strange reasons. 

Empty relationships should be avoided (some tips) just as urgently as empty calories. 

And then there is quantity. If we stuff ourselves with too many average relationships, there will soon be little space for the rest of life. 

Average relationships are a lot like filler carbs. Use them sparingly. 

Do you have a healthy relationship diet?

So, how did your relationships hold up in this analogy?

Are there signs of starvation? Do you have an empty relationship problem? Or perhaps your life is stuffed with too many average relationships?

If you could answer “no” to all these questions, you’re probably in a good place, relationship-wise.

If not, there’s some work to do. And since relationships could be just as crucial for health and happiness as diet, best get started. 

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Why Do We Need Close Relationships?

This week, we’ll talk about something that humanity has wrestled with for millennia: how to build and maintain healthy close relationships. 

And things are not getting any simpler now that such relationships have become optional…  

What’s the use?

Few people would argue that maintaining close personal relationships takes plenty of time and sacrifice. And for millennia, this price simply had to be paid for survival.

Indeed, in the old days, surviving alone was almost impossible. Without the protection and cooperation of the tribe, individual humans were pretty much defenseless against nature. 

But no more. In today’s world, survival doesn’t depend on close personal connections. Simply render some useful service to society and you can buy all the sustenance and protection you need. 

As a result, the nature of close relationships is changing. Many more people are choosing to live alone and stay single, but interestingly, this is not causing greater loneliness. 

And just as well, because healthy personal relationships are crucial for a long and happy life.

The benefits of relationships

There is good evidence that high-quality relationships are important for health and longevity. 

Studies suggest that stress from perceived loneliness could be the most important factor. But there are also other factors like improved health habits and reduced depression risk.  

Loneliness could be just as dangerous as smoking. Although the evidence is not as clear yet, it is clear enough to encourage anyone who regularly feels lonely to make the effort to improve their relationships. 

As an added bonus, regular social interaction also seems to make us happier. This effect is not huge, but it’s significant. 

On the other hand, as we all know intuitively, bad relationships can have the opposite effect. Quality is indeed more important than quantity. 

The takeaway

This evidence points to a simple recommendation for a long and happy life:

Avoid bad hormones from loneliness or unhealthy relationships and get plenty of good hormones from healthy relationships. 

The rest of the week will look at ways to follow this simple advice in our busy modern lives. 

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Recap: The Art of Bucket Filling

Relationships happen one interaction at a time. If the vast majority of those interactions are positive, the relationship will blossom. If too many are negative, it will wither and die. 

This week’s posts revolved around a simple concept to help maximize the positivity. 

The checklist

  • How full is your bucket?
    • Each of us has an emotional bucket and dipper. If our buckets are filled, we feel great. If they’re emptied, less so. 
    • Our mission is simply to add at least a few drops to the other person’s bucket in every interaction. 
    • And the best thing is that filling another bucket also fills our own. 
  • 9 great ways to fill a bucket.
    • Smile, add humor, complement, praise, give, express gratitude, listen, show interest, and validate. 
    • Consistently deploying these bucket-fillers needs plenty of practice. 
  • 7 great ways to empty a bucket. 
    • Sulk, scream, belittle, neglect, forget, gossip and destructively criticize. 
    • Mostly, we know all too well when we’re emptying buckets. Stop. 
  • The art of constructive criticism. 
    • Constructive criticism is essential for personal and professional growth. Learning how to give and take it is a crucial life skill. 
    • Get the timing right, don’t get personal, communicate your intent to help, and know when to stop. 

The simplicity of the bucket philosophy makes it quite easy to keep in your awareness as you go through your daily interactions. This awareness is all that’s needed. 

Give it a try, one interaction at a time. 

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The Art of Constructive Criticism

Life is complicated. Humans are complicated. As a result, it’s not uncommon for us to head down the wrong track, often for irrationally long periods of time. 

In these situations, constructive criticism can be one of the best gifts we can give each other. 

But doing this right is tricky, real tricky. Here’s a brief outline of what has worked for me in the past. 

Make sure your critique is warranted

Before even considering criticizing, make very sure your viewpoint is correct and that your critique can really help the other person.

We are very easily blinded by our own egos or prejudices. So, before you dive in, do you best to think through it from the other person’s point of view. 

Giving constructive criticism

Before starting, make sure the timing is right.

If someone is already in a highly defensive state, chances are that your constructive feedback will not be well received. Rather wait until a point where they are more open. 

When that time comes, be sure to adhere to the first rule of constructive criticism: never launch any personal attacks.

Keep the focus squarely on the thing that needs fixing and stay away from the other person’s character. Showing some vulnerability through a topical personal anecdote can help a lot here. 

Second, be sure to clearly communicate your intent to help. 

Tell the other person how you think their life can improve if they make the change you’re suggesting. 

Third, know when to stop. 

There’s no need to repeat your point ten times. And if you sense the other person is getting defensive, just leave the idea to simmer. In my experience, such feedback often takes some time to sink in.

Receiving constructive criticism

Constructive critique is key to your success in today’s world. If you’re never criticized, I’m afraid you’re unlikely to ever get anything special done. 

For this reason, it’s crucial to open yourself up to critique. Ask people for honest feedback and be fully open to what they tell you.  

It could sting in the moment, but if it puts you on a clearly better path, that sting will quickly fade away. 

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7 Great Ways to Empty a Bucket

The world can certainly do with plenty more bucket filling. But it can also do with a lot less bucket dipping. 

Today’s post lists several all-too-common ways in which we routinely dip from each other’s emotional buckets. 

Sulking

This is the most common form of passive-aggressive behavior and a very effective way to dip from other people’s buckets. 

Don’t do it. It’s never the best solution. 

Honestly tell the other person how you feel or, if you’re not sure how you feel yourself, take some time alone to meditate on the subject. 

Screaming

On the other side of the spectrum, we find overly aggressive behavior. 

In between passive-aggressive and overly aggressive lies controlled assertiveness. That’s the place to be. 

Belittling

Making others feel small is a great way to empty their buckets. There are many ways in which we do this to each other:

  • Ignoring or not paying attention to the other person
  • Bluntly overruling them without explanation
  • Trivializing their accomplishments or feelings
  • Repeatedly bringing up their failures or embarrassments
  • Impatience when they struggle with something that’s easy for you

Neglect

There are also instances where we can dip from buckets through inaction. These ones can be really hard to get right, but they remain important. 

In a close relationship, neglecting someone or taking them for granted can gradually drain their bucket and ultimately ruin the relationship. 

Forgetting

Forgetting special occasions or not noticing something good about the other person is another way of dipping through inaction. 

Make sure to put birthdays and other special occasions in your calendar and be fully present in every interaction to notice important stuff. 

Gossip

Spreading negative stories behind another person’s back may not hurt them directly, but it diminishes them in the eyes of your listeners. 

Gossip therefore lets other people do the bucket dipping for you. 

Criticism

A constant barrage of biting critique is a great way to drain another person’s bucket.

If you ever find yourself criticizing with the aim of bringing the other person down, you’re on the wrong track. 

But there are times when some constructive criticism is the best thing you can do for someone else. Getting this right is tough. So tough, in fact, that we’ll dedicate tomorrow’s post just to this. 

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9 Great Ways to Fill a Bucket

Yesterday’s post introduced the concept of bucket-filling: Bringing some good vibrations to every interaction. 

Today, we’ll discuss some simple ways for doing just that. 

Smile

It doesn’t have to be any more complicated that this.

A simple smile tells the other person you’re happy to see them. That message is all it takes to fill a bucket. 

Humor

Getting another person to smile or laugh is an excellent way to ensure they go away from the interaction feeling better than before. 

Always be on the lookout for funnies in your conversations. Those where you make fun of yourself are often the most effective. 

Complement

Well-deserved complements are very effective bucket fillers. Whenever someone else makes a good impression on you, let them know – the more spontaneous the better. 

Be careful not to become superficial though. If a complement is not really deserved or feels forced, it can easily have the opposite effect. 

Praise

Similar to complements, praise is a powerful bucket-filler. If someone did a praiseworthy job, be sure to give them the recognition they deserve. 

But praise can also become superficial and methodical. Instead, try to present your praise in unexpected ways with plenty of specifics about what exactly you admire.  

Give

We all like gifts. If done right, even a small gift can have a large impact. 

To boost the impact, ensure that your gift can really add value and try to maximize the element of surprise. 

Gratitude

Whenever someone does something nice for you, you can give back straight away with a bit of bucket filling. 

A simple thank you is often enough. But adding a little something like “that’s so kind of you” or “you made my day” when appropriate can take it to the next level. 

Listen

One of the best ways to fill another person’s bucket doesn’t even require you to say or do anything. Just be there 100% and listen.

If someone else is going through a tough time, this could be the single best way of supporting them.  

Interest

There are few better ways to show you care than to cultivate some interest in topics the other person cares about.

Your listening skills will clearly reveal the best topics. All you need to do is to think a little about what was said, form some balanced opinions, and bring the topic back in a future conversation.

Validation

We all crave validation that we’re on the right track in this complicated journey called life. Delivering this validation is a very powerful bucket-filling tool. 

Whenever the words “I agree” or “you’re right” become relevant, be sure to use them without hesitation. Don’t be a yes-man, but be ready to provide any justified validation. 

Practice

Like any other skill, bucket-filling requires plenty of awareness and practice.

So, be sure to keep the idea of the bucket in mind during your next interaction. The beautiful simplicity of this analogy makes this very easy to do. 

But there are also some bad habits we need to unlearn to become effective bucket fillers. We’ll get to those tomorrow.  

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How Full is Your Bucket?

Today is the start of the penultimate Supermorning chapter where we tackle one of our most complex subjects: Relationships. 

The best place to start is with a simple piece of advice applicable to all human interactions: Become a dedicated bucket filler. 

Let’s see what this means.

The bucket and the dipper

This delightfully simple analogy comes from the little book by Tom Rath that this post is named after. 

It states that each of us has an invisible emotional bucket and dipper. In each interaction, we can choose to fill the other person’s bucket or to dip from it. 

If a bucket is filled, the interaction lifts the spirits of both parties. If a bucket is dipped from, one or both parties feel worse after the interaction. 

Win-win

The best thing about this idea is that filling another person’s bucket does not empty your own.

In fact, the act of bucket filling will reward you with some good feelings too. It really is one of the best habits to develop, both for yourself and for those around you. 

Become a bucket filler

Bucket-filling does not need to cost anything. Neither is there any need for some kind of grand gesture in every interaction. 

Just one little drop will suffice. Consistent small additions to all the buckets you meet along your way will greatly improve your relationships, including the one with yourself. 

Tomorrow’s post will take a closer look at what these drops look like. 

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